Looking back and looking forward.

2012 is done and gone like a bad bout of flu and 2013 is here. So many things have happened in 2012, some good, some bad, some worth remembering, others that need to be forgotten.  Decided to still follow on my MBA dreams and they are still sucking the life out of me. Met with some road blocks while following that dream (still am). Made some new friends and lost them to geographic displacement. Lost some old friends to geographic displacement as well, because they decided to follow their dreams. Lost others because I was careless enough to let them go (working on rectifying this). Gained a new perception. Lived alone for a week, and managed the house without having to do a SOS call to the fire department ( note 1: Yes am 22 and my mom and dad are both scared of letting me live alone, fuck my life). Spent most of my savings on an awesome HP laptop, my first investment (and am still paying mom back in installments for it, 15 grand left :/). Tried new things, tried new drinks, tried new hairstyles. Acquired some habits, both good and bad (people's perception of bad, not mine), gave up some old ones. Enjoyed being everyone's agony aunt and then started hating it (mostly because I couldn't be my own agony aunt and couldn't find anyone else as good as me :p). Best of all went to Goa with my best friends, a first for me (refer note 1 above), loved every moment of it and dying to go back there again (hopefully soon if all goes well). Had a few crushes. Fell in love. Experienced true happiness for a while. Also experienced what true depression feels like. Struggled through it, still am. Gave up blogging for a while altogether and then returned back to it again (courtesy this post).

But mostly I grew a year older (yes I do it every year, though I don't look it). What I mean by that is I matured, I gained some experiences that are definitely going to help me in my future. And yeah I don't like growing old. Not because I am scared of death or something. I just don't. If there was an option whence I could reverse back time I would, and do a few things differently. So yes I have a few regrets. But alas, its only wishful thinking, I can't reverse back time to a happy period in my past or fast forward it to a happy period in my future and pause time forever in that moment. Life doesn't work like that. I can't stay 22 forever, I have to grow old even though I hate it, that's just life. Sad, but true. Anyway, before I digress any further, 2012 was a mixed bag of surprises, but it mostly wasn't great for me (at least career wise) , and it looks like 2013 isn't going to be either, if the last 20 days are anything to go by. But one can always hope. Like every year I decided not to make any new year resolutions this year as well since I never end up abiding them or keeping them. Infact I forget about them the next day itself and I end up trying to remember what resolutions I had made. So this year I decided to do something different. I have decided to put my list of resolutions here, so I don't forget them, I am reminded about them every time I open this page (which believe me is quite often), and also to call them 'guidelines for 2013' rather than resolutions. Now that sounds so much better. Following guidelines rather than adhering to resolutions. Smart, eh?

So here's the list I intend to follow:

1) Worry less. Yeah I am a worrier (not a warrior). A big one. I over think and over react to everything. I am no drama queen, but am close enough. I can spend days worrying about small things and give myself unbearable migraines. Generally the things I worry about end up in nothing. So its a huge waste of energy, not to mention stress. So this year I am going to try and worry less. I said 'try'.

2) Participate more. The other day I watched the movie 'The perks of being a wall flower'. In it Charlie the main character is advised to participate more in life by his professor Bill Anderson. That struck me as something I should do as well. I generally tend to take a casual approach to life, rarely push myself. I am a back seat driver, mostly observing, participating only when I have to.  And I know I can do better, cos I have done so before, during my college project, my college fest. So participate more in life, take stands, make decisions and stand by them, try out new things. And take risks, majorly, stop being a safe player.

3) Go back to being a cold heart-ed bitch. I was one once, and it served me well. Over the last year I have somehow changed, started opening myself up to people more, let my guards down, started trusting people more, forgiving people more, pretending less, being more honest, which I know you guys would think is a good thing, but trust me it isn't. Cos' am only opening myself to injury and heart break. I have been through it before, and I don't want to go through all that again, least of all now. The things I am going through, I recognize, are going to lead me through that well trodden, much disliked path again. To survive in this jungle I need to become my old self again. Stop being an open book. Stop believing that people have good intentions, and start believing that they are mean in general and self centered. Be self sufficient. Rely on others less. Chuck people from my life who are only there when they need me and never there when I need them. In short, live for myself. So yeah, bitch am back.

4) Do things that make me happy. Quit my job for starters (yes I am going to do it). Make an alternate career plan, if  nothing comes out of this. Be less depressed. Be more outgoing.  Rebel for my freedom (if need be, I really hate fighting and confrontations in general). Travel more, read more, watch more movies (from the IMDB top 250 list as usual), more TV series (not hindi ones, puhlease!), discover new places to eat, make new friends that share my interests, with whom I can discover these places. Go to more concerts, stand up shows and plays. Blog more. Like at least 3 times a month (so my this month's quota is done :D). Spend less time on social networking sites. Read economic times and the Hindu everyday, study everyday (not that it makes me happy, but it is essential for my survival). Take up quizzing for a hobby. Take guitar lessons, or salsa lessons, or start swimming, or do all the three (I have high ambitions). Save more money by shopping less (yeah even though it makes me happy, I really need to do this, darn). Have more conviction in myself and my dreams. Start believing that I can do it, even if it takes a hell lot of time. And most of all, not take people that are closest to me for granted. Especially not for any one person. Make sure, my support system stays strong.

5) Last but not the least, gain weight! Yeah its high time now. Being slim is so passé. I want to have those chubby cheeks again, so that ponds will take me for their googly woogly woksh advert. Just kidding. But yeah, gain weight I must. I will succeed one day! There will be more meat on by bones. Sigh, I can always dream.

Well, I can list more of these never ending guidelines, but like I said they are never ending, me being a flawed person. And this much is enough for one year, I'll chart out the rest in 2014 ;-) Here's hoping 2013 will be better for me than 2012 was, that I meet success in my endeavors, in my career, in my love life, in my friendships, in my family relationships, in everything. Here's hoping that I will follow these guidelines. Here's hoping that I'll get rich and gain weight (two most impossible tasks). And here's hoping you all will too (gain weight as well :p) . Cheers!

That feeling.

Ever felt like running away? Just being covert, packing a bag, getting in to a cab and taking off? Not knowing where, but wanting to give in to that feeling of escaping everything, the mundane realities, the insane stress, the life sucking problems, the fake well wishers, the selfish do-gooders and most of all the people you love, and who truly love you. Not caring about anything, anyone, not even yourself, just stopping your thoughts, pausing your feelings, and walking off from everything. No notes, no phone calls, nothing. You'd have a chance to start somewhere afresh. No one knows you, so you can be anyone. No one knows your past, so no one is going to judge you. No one loves you, so there will be no expectations, no feeling of being suffocated, of being pushed in to becoming someone you are clearly not, and don't want to be either. No restrictions, your life in your hands, and finally, you'd truly have the chance to make something of it by yourself, without any interference. Once in a while you can send postcards to the people you love, so they'll know that you are alive and well. How wonderful would that be? If only it were so easy.

They make it seem so easy in the movies. People just pack their bags and take off without a backward glance. A few tears rolling down their face, flashback memories from the past, and bam! They are in a plane, off to a new life where they go on to change their destiny and become billionaires, find true love etc. Oh how very dramatic! As if saying good bye was that easy. As if 23 years of memories would just disappear, the bad ones, sad ones and happy ones. As if you can ever forget everything, stop worrying about the people you love, only care about yourself and just move on. Live like a hippie, or climb the corporate ladder, visit remote scenic destinations or become a Buddhist disciple and live an austere life, go sky diving or skinny dipping, go to the Himalayas and scream your lungs out or go to the Antarctic and live under the aurora borealis. Yeah how wonderful, and how very unrealistic. No it's not that easy. If it was you'd be doing it. I'd be doing it, instead of writing about it and trying to suppress this feeling of wanting to run away, in to the wild, in to the unknown. Lets face it, we are too scared. We hate change and like to be grounded. We want everything handed to us on a plate. We know everything is not like in the movies, life isn't hunky dory. After we get on a plane there would be a whole new life to plan for, a whole new setting to worry about, and maybe worse hardships will follow. We do not like this uncertainty, and we are scared of failing again, and this time with no loved ones to support us, no friends who have our backs. So no, running away is not for us. Good bye is never easy.