Sleep comes very rarely to me nowadays, but when it does, it feels like a retribution; a deliverance. I lie there, breathing heavily, in a state of half sleep; not sleeping, yet not fully awake; still trying to grasp the remnants of my dream, the one that made me happy, but not being able to remember. I lie there turning restlessly, eyes half closed, clinging to the last dregs of sleep, not wanting to wake up, relishing my last few moments of peace. I turn on my sides, with my arms stretched over him, only to meet thin air. That's when am jolted awake, by the heart wrenching physical pain, the mental realization of not having him near me. This realization shatters all dreams. I curl up in a fetal position, wanting to die, or at least go back to sleep. I could do anything to get out of this pain, to not face the day alone, anything to erase the memories, anything to not live this farce of a life. All I want to do is shut myself from everything and go to my happy place, the one where he's with me. But reality beckons, and so I have to wake up and go through the motions. Smile through my pain, to behave as if everything's normal, even though its far from the truth.
The truth is my world has shattered. My ideal world. Even saying it aloud makes me want to laugh in derision. The truth? There is no ideal world. Not for me, not for anyone else. It's just a make believe world that we have been deluding ourselves in to, to hide the fact that there's no such thing as constant happiness, the happily ever after. In an ideal world everyone would be happy. They'd be doing what they want to do, not caring what others think. They would be striving for exaltation, and not just living for the sake of living. But we know how that goes. In an ideal world there would be no crimes, no rapes, people wouldn't die of diseases, there would be no poverty, no wars, no jihad, no terrorism of any kind, no child abuse, no unemployment, no impoverishment. Every child would be educated, every child would have a chance to make something of themselves. Every person would have a chance to make choices and change their choices if they wish to, peer pressure be damned. Every person would find gainful employment and strive to better at it. Every person would find their one true love, their soul-mate, and there would be no divorces. There would be no political motives, no mind games. The ideal world would not be confused with utopia.
In an ideal world, I'd be with him, and he'd be with me. In an ideal world, he'd be alive. We'd be ruling the world together, doing things we are so good at. All the responsibilities wouldn't just fall on my frail shoulders. We'd be making decisions together. I wouldn't be this lonely. In an ideal world, I'd be happy; we'd be happy. But, there is no ideal world. And so here I am, left to pick up the broken pieces of my life, to live whatever is left of it meaningfully, to try to go through the motions of life with conviction. I have to wake up, I have to live and I have to try and achieve this ideal world that every one talks about, that every one wants, but doesn't exist.
The truth is my world has shattered. My ideal world. Even saying it aloud makes me want to laugh in derision. The truth? There is no ideal world. Not for me, not for anyone else. It's just a make believe world that we have been deluding ourselves in to, to hide the fact that there's no such thing as constant happiness, the happily ever after. In an ideal world everyone would be happy. They'd be doing what they want to do, not caring what others think. They would be striving for exaltation, and not just living for the sake of living. But we know how that goes. In an ideal world there would be no crimes, no rapes, people wouldn't die of diseases, there would be no poverty, no wars, no jihad, no terrorism of any kind, no child abuse, no unemployment, no impoverishment. Every child would be educated, every child would have a chance to make something of themselves. Every person would have a chance to make choices and change their choices if they wish to, peer pressure be damned. Every person would find gainful employment and strive to better at it. Every person would find their one true love, their soul-mate, and there would be no divorces. There would be no political motives, no mind games. The ideal world would not be confused with utopia.
In an ideal world, I'd be with him, and he'd be with me. In an ideal world, he'd be alive. We'd be ruling the world together, doing things we are so good at. All the responsibilities wouldn't just fall on my frail shoulders. We'd be making decisions together. I wouldn't be this lonely. In an ideal world, I'd be happy; we'd be happy. But, there is no ideal world. And so here I am, left to pick up the broken pieces of my life, to live whatever is left of it meaningfully, to try to go through the motions of life with conviction. I have to wake up, I have to live and I have to try and achieve this ideal world that every one talks about, that every one wants, but doesn't exist.
