Saying Goodbye

My best friend and childhood buddy, Mallika Kapur passed away on 9th October 2013. She was involved in a terrible bike accident on 17th September 2013, and struggled for her life in the ICU for 21 days. She was believed to have been recovering when her sudden demise happened and it came as a shock to all of us who were close to her. The below blog post is the series of events that I experienced after her sad demise and also a tribute to her and our memories together. May her soul rest in peace. She will always be remembered. Hope you have found a better and happier place Mallika. You struggled for a long time and didn't deserve any of this. I love you, and will love you always. Rest in peace sweetheart. My life will never be the same without you.

Its hard when a person you know passes away. Even if he/ she was just an acquaintance. It's harder when your pet dies. But when your best friend, your childhood buddy, your secret keeper passes away, what then? Its damn hard, and there's no words to describe the feeling.

First the shock sets in. You can't think of anything and your mind is blank. Then the tears start pouring down. You cry your heart out, till there's no tears left. Then you cry some more. Every thought is filled with her memory. The first time you saw her, and smiled. The first time she came and said hi and you reciprocated.Your first game, how you used to play house, barbie, bingo and housie, which then progressed on to truth & dare & taboo. Your first bicycle ride together, the time when you scraped your knees after a fall, and she helped you clean it gently, saying its okay, while you cried. The time when you were bullied and she stood up for you. Sharing your secrets about your crushes together, discovering fashion together. The way she taught you to be confident and bold in life, and to have a positive attitude. The way she always managed to know whenever you were upset and managed to make you feel better always. The way she took your side when you had fights with other friends. Every birthday, every Diwali, every Ganesh Chaturthi, every Navratri, every Holi and every other festival spent together. The night outs, the pajama parties, doing time pass at your usual hangout, watching movies together, being together when others ditched you and you had no company, crying yourself out on her shoulder after every misfortune, abusing the person who hurt you the most, together. Spending evenings together over a cup of coffee, gossiping about everyone, cos' you have nothing better to do. Every thought, every memory, every photo of you together or just her causes pain. More tears.

All you can think of is, why did it have to happen to her? She didn't deserve any of this. So young, so happy, so cheerful. Why couldn't it have been anyone else? Then the feeling of  helplessness sets in. Of  you not having been able to do anything. Of it not being in your hands to save her. The worst is the guilt. Of not being of any use to her parents, not even in support, cos' you had to return back to a different city to resume your life. Of not being able to resume your life anyway because while she is hanging on to dear life you can't think of returning back to normalcy, cos' it just doesn't feel right. But still having to resume cos' that's how it is. Wondering whether you could have done anything to save her. Wondering maybe if you'd been a little less involved in your own work, a little less happy, prayed a little more than what you did, bargained a little more with God to save her, maybe given up on your favorite food or fasted more or something, maybe it would have saved her. Then you blame God. How could he have done something like this to such a wonderful person like her? And why? Why her? Why not anyone else? Why were you given the chance to live while she was not? What set her apart? Rapists and murderers live donkey's years, while people like her live such short life spans. That makes you question the very existence of God. And there's no answer or solution to that either.

In the end you cry, you look at her photo with you and you cry, you reminisce a memory of her and you cry, and when no more tears come out, you sleep, hoping this was all just a bad dream, and you'd wake up and she'd still be there.When you wake up and that's not the case and the tears are on the verge of coming out, you know you can't keep doing this, you know you have to move on, even though it just doesn't feel right. You feel depressed, and when every time your friends try to cheer you up it feels wrong. You wonder if she's in a happy place, if she's in heaven, hoping she is if there's a heaven. You pray that her family gets the strength to deal with the situation. You feel guilty for not being with them. In the end, you wish you could find your happy place too, that she'd still be there and none of this would have happened. And you move on. Or at the least you try to. Because that's just how life is supposed to be.

On my 22nd b'day. One of our happier times together. Miss you Mallika.

Labels - Death of Individualism

It is so hard being a girl in a guy's world. You have no idea what all we have to go through. No am not going to talk about prejudices, gender biasing and feminism or worse - PMS. But what I am going to talk about is 'labeling'. Like being a girl wasn't enough, being labeled a tomboy is even worse! Why do you want to confuse us poor girls?

First and foremost, what constitutes a tomboy anyway? Who decides whether a girl is a tomboy or not? Oh so maybe some girls are adventurous, they like sports, hangout with guys, don't care about their looks, have no fashion sense, are a bit domineering, are generally manner-less, clueless about cleanliness, slightly sloppy, drink chilled beer at parties & crazy about football, so what? Whoever said a girl has to be neat, clean, pretty & decked up all the time, good at gossip, a good cook, a born fashionista, coy & shy, like everything pink, know all the cosmetic brands, a die-hard shopaholic and spend half her time & pocket money at parlors & spas getting expensive manicures and perms? Why can't a girl be a mix of both or neither? Whatever happened to individualism?

Ask any girl and am pretty sure she would say that she doesn't like being labeled a tomboy even if she wears t-shirts and jeans, doesn't do catwalk, likes playing & watching sports, wears sports shoes, sneakers & floaters instead of high (back breaking) heels, speaks her mind, doesn't know the meaning of coy and sits, walks and talks like a boy (in other people's words). The irony is guys feel the most comfortable hanging out with these very same girls and are generally best friends with them rather than with the 'stereotypical girl'. This is because they find them uncomplicated and quite like themselves. "She is easy to be friends with" is what most guys say. This is also what makes them label these girls as 'tomboys'. But when it comes to dating, the general consensus is, "oh her? well, she's more like my buddy. Rather more like myself (read guy), how can I date her?! Am sure she doesn't like guys. We are just best friends." Wow. Really wow.

And woe begone if your tomboy friend turns up dressed in a skirt, wearing makeup, with a fancy hairstyle and generally looking like..well a girl. How dare she?! Firstly, you wouldn't recognize her. When you finally do, you'd be shocked and loose your power of speech. And when you finally regain your speech & find your tongue you would start badgering her with questions like "what happened to you?! What have you done to yourself?! what is that hairstyle?! You in a skirt? Wait, is that makeup on your face? You are looking ridiculous! Go change. I can't be seen like this with you!" How nice. However, if the girl is lucky enough and the guy not blind enough, she'd be appreciated & complimented (See am not labeling you guys). But it is a rare case. Dear guys, and girls who think otherwise, a girl is a girl. Any girl, even if she generally prefers jeans over skirts, a natural look over makeup, shoes over heels, sports over gossip, and simplicity over complexity, she would still want to dress up once in a while and look pretty.

So why not let her be? Is it so hard to see her in a different light once in a while, and maybe just maybe, appreciate her and compliment her? Is it so hard to make her smile, to let her be happy, to let her be a girl without having to be confused about it? Why can't a girl retain her own unique qualities and be labeled an individual rather than say a tomboy, a blonde, dumb, pea brained etc. Am using the same terms that people generally use to stereotype, nothing new about it. Why label her and stereotype her? Why make her loose her confidence & ruin her life? Let her be. Let her be happy in her individuality. Let her be just a 'girl'.