My best friend and childhood buddy, Mallika Kapur passed away on 9th October 2013. She was involved in a terrible bike accident on 17th
September 2013, and struggled for her life in the ICU for 21 days. She
was
believed to have been recovering when her sudden demise happened and it
came as a shock to all of us who were close to her. The below blog post
is the series of events that I experienced after her sad demise and also a
tribute to her and our memories together. May her soul rest in peace.
She will always be remembered. Hope you have found a better and happier
place Mallika. You struggled for a long time and didn't deserve any of this. I love you, and will love you always. Rest in peace sweetheart. My life will never be the same without you.
Its hard when a person you know passes away. Even if he/ she was just an acquaintance. It's harder when your pet dies. But when your best friend, your childhood buddy, your secret keeper passes away, what then? Its damn hard, and there's no words to describe the feeling.
First the shock sets in. You can't think of anything and your mind is blank. Then the tears start pouring down. You cry your heart out, till there's no tears left. Then you cry some more. Every thought is filled with her memory. The first time you saw her, and smiled. The first time she came and said hi and you reciprocated.Your first game, how you used to play house, barbie, bingo and housie, which then progressed on to truth & dare & taboo. Your first bicycle ride together, the time when you scraped your knees after a fall, and she helped you clean it gently, saying its okay, while you cried. The time when you were bullied and she stood up for you. Sharing your secrets about your crushes together, discovering fashion together. The way she taught you to be confident and bold in life, and to have a positive attitude. The way she always managed to know whenever you were upset and managed to make you feel better always. The way she took your side when you had fights with other friends. Every birthday, every Diwali, every Ganesh Chaturthi, every Navratri, every Holi and every other festival spent together. The night outs, the pajama parties, doing time pass at your usual hangout, watching movies together, being together when others ditched you and you had no company, crying yourself out on her shoulder after every misfortune, abusing the person who hurt you the most, together. Spending evenings together over a cup of coffee, gossiping about everyone, cos' you have nothing better to do. Every thought, every memory, every photo of you together or just her causes pain. More tears.
All you can think of is, why did it have to happen to her? She didn't deserve any of this. So young, so happy, so cheerful. Why couldn't it have been anyone else? Then the feeling of helplessness sets in. Of you not having been able to do anything. Of it not being in your hands to save her. The worst is the guilt. Of not being of any use to her parents, not even in support, cos' you had to return back to a different city to resume your life. Of not being able to resume your life anyway because while she is hanging on to dear life you can't think of returning back to normalcy, cos' it just doesn't feel right. But still having to resume cos' that's how it is. Wondering whether you could have done anything to save her. Wondering maybe if you'd been a little less involved in your own work, a little less happy, prayed a little more than what you did, bargained a little more with God to save her, maybe given up on your favorite food or fasted more or something, maybe it would have saved her. Then you blame God. How could he have done something like this to such a wonderful person like her? And why? Why her? Why not anyone else? Why were you given the chance to live while she was not? What set her apart? Rapists and murderers live donkey's years, while people like her live such short life spans. That makes you question the very existence of God. And there's no answer or solution to that either.
In the end you cry, you look at her photo with you and you cry, you reminisce a memory of her and you cry, and when no more tears come out, you sleep, hoping this was all just a bad dream, and you'd wake up and she'd still be there.When you wake up and that's not the case and the tears are on the verge of coming out, you know you can't keep doing this, you know you have to move on, even though it just doesn't feel right. You feel depressed, and when every time your friends try to cheer you up it feels wrong. You wonder if she's in a happy place, if she's in heaven, hoping she is if there's a heaven. You pray that her family gets the strength to deal with the situation. You feel guilty for not being with them. In the end, you wish you could find your happy place too, that she'd still be there and none of this would have happened. And you move on. Or at the least you try to. Because that's just how life is supposed to be.
Its hard when a person you know passes away. Even if he/ she was just an acquaintance. It's harder when your pet dies. But when your best friend, your childhood buddy, your secret keeper passes away, what then? Its damn hard, and there's no words to describe the feeling.
First the shock sets in. You can't think of anything and your mind is blank. Then the tears start pouring down. You cry your heart out, till there's no tears left. Then you cry some more. Every thought is filled with her memory. The first time you saw her, and smiled. The first time she came and said hi and you reciprocated.Your first game, how you used to play house, barbie, bingo and housie, which then progressed on to truth & dare & taboo. Your first bicycle ride together, the time when you scraped your knees after a fall, and she helped you clean it gently, saying its okay, while you cried. The time when you were bullied and she stood up for you. Sharing your secrets about your crushes together, discovering fashion together. The way she taught you to be confident and bold in life, and to have a positive attitude. The way she always managed to know whenever you were upset and managed to make you feel better always. The way she took your side when you had fights with other friends. Every birthday, every Diwali, every Ganesh Chaturthi, every Navratri, every Holi and every other festival spent together. The night outs, the pajama parties, doing time pass at your usual hangout, watching movies together, being together when others ditched you and you had no company, crying yourself out on her shoulder after every misfortune, abusing the person who hurt you the most, together. Spending evenings together over a cup of coffee, gossiping about everyone, cos' you have nothing better to do. Every thought, every memory, every photo of you together or just her causes pain. More tears.
All you can think of is, why did it have to happen to her? She didn't deserve any of this. So young, so happy, so cheerful. Why couldn't it have been anyone else? Then the feeling of helplessness sets in. Of you not having been able to do anything. Of it not being in your hands to save her. The worst is the guilt. Of not being of any use to her parents, not even in support, cos' you had to return back to a different city to resume your life. Of not being able to resume your life anyway because while she is hanging on to dear life you can't think of returning back to normalcy, cos' it just doesn't feel right. But still having to resume cos' that's how it is. Wondering whether you could have done anything to save her. Wondering maybe if you'd been a little less involved in your own work, a little less happy, prayed a little more than what you did, bargained a little more with God to save her, maybe given up on your favorite food or fasted more or something, maybe it would have saved her. Then you blame God. How could he have done something like this to such a wonderful person like her? And why? Why her? Why not anyone else? Why were you given the chance to live while she was not? What set her apart? Rapists and murderers live donkey's years, while people like her live such short life spans. That makes you question the very existence of God. And there's no answer or solution to that either.
In the end you cry, you look at her photo with you and you cry, you reminisce a memory of her and you cry, and when no more tears come out, you sleep, hoping this was all just a bad dream, and you'd wake up and she'd still be there.When you wake up and that's not the case and the tears are on the verge of coming out, you know you can't keep doing this, you know you have to move on, even though it just doesn't feel right. You feel depressed, and when every time your friends try to cheer you up it feels wrong. You wonder if she's in a happy place, if she's in heaven, hoping she is if there's a heaven. You pray that her family gets the strength to deal with the situation. You feel guilty for not being with them. In the end, you wish you could find your happy place too, that she'd still be there and none of this would have happened. And you move on. Or at the least you try to. Because that's just how life is supposed to be.
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| On my 22nd b'day. One of our happier times together. Miss you Mallika. |
I feel your pain. Had undergone the same, before. Agony, I would say.
ReplyDeleteIt is really sad and hard to digest when the person happens to be one's childhood friend. I sincerely extend my heartfelt condolences. You have poured your heart in the most appropriate way and as I read through it pushed me to deeper grief.
ReplyDeleteI had tears in my eyes reading this coz i am goin thru d same and exact same feelin since 5 mnths where i lost my bestest frnd and each and every word uve written describes exactly how i feel and what thoughts i keep getting....The line wrote abt "the existance of god " is exactly been d question in my head since i lost my best frnd suddenly in a span on 1 weeks time and believe me he was one of the purest souls ive ever met ...My faith in him (God) shattered, i felt lost and still feel eventhou its been 5 mnths now, not a single day goes widout reading our las whatsapp coversations and seeing his pics , i never felt so miserable eva befre and d worst tat cud happen is i kept living wid guilt dat i cudn say a goodbye , i cudnt do so mch tat i cud have done if i was around ....Im sorry i dont know u but cudn stop myself from wriitin when i read dis link thru a frnds wall...tc and our questions wnt ever be answered but i guess all we cud do is jus believe that yeah maybe she is in a better and happier place :)
ReplyDeletewas it on saturday?
ReplyDelete