Saying Goodbye

My best friend and childhood buddy, Mallika Kapur passed away on 9th October 2013. She was involved in a terrible bike accident on 17th September 2013, and struggled for her life in the ICU for 21 days. She was believed to have been recovering when her sudden demise happened and it came as a shock to all of us who were close to her. The below blog post is the series of events that I experienced after her sad demise and also a tribute to her and our memories together. May her soul rest in peace. She will always be remembered. Hope you have found a better and happier place Mallika. You struggled for a long time and didn't deserve any of this. I love you, and will love you always. Rest in peace sweetheart. My life will never be the same without you.

Its hard when a person you know passes away. Even if he/ she was just an acquaintance. It's harder when your pet dies. But when your best friend, your childhood buddy, your secret keeper passes away, what then? Its damn hard, and there's no words to describe the feeling.

First the shock sets in. You can't think of anything and your mind is blank. Then the tears start pouring down. You cry your heart out, till there's no tears left. Then you cry some more. Every thought is filled with her memory. The first time you saw her, and smiled. The first time she came and said hi and you reciprocated.Your first game, how you used to play house, barbie, bingo and housie, which then progressed on to truth & dare & taboo. Your first bicycle ride together, the time when you scraped your knees after a fall, and she helped you clean it gently, saying its okay, while you cried. The time when you were bullied and she stood up for you. Sharing your secrets about your crushes together, discovering fashion together. The way she taught you to be confident and bold in life, and to have a positive attitude. The way she always managed to know whenever you were upset and managed to make you feel better always. The way she took your side when you had fights with other friends. Every birthday, every Diwali, every Ganesh Chaturthi, every Navratri, every Holi and every other festival spent together. The night outs, the pajama parties, doing time pass at your usual hangout, watching movies together, being together when others ditched you and you had no company, crying yourself out on her shoulder after every misfortune, abusing the person who hurt you the most, together. Spending evenings together over a cup of coffee, gossiping about everyone, cos' you have nothing better to do. Every thought, every memory, every photo of you together or just her causes pain. More tears.

All you can think of is, why did it have to happen to her? She didn't deserve any of this. So young, so happy, so cheerful. Why couldn't it have been anyone else? Then the feeling of  helplessness sets in. Of  you not having been able to do anything. Of it not being in your hands to save her. The worst is the guilt. Of not being of any use to her parents, not even in support, cos' you had to return back to a different city to resume your life. Of not being able to resume your life anyway because while she is hanging on to dear life you can't think of returning back to normalcy, cos' it just doesn't feel right. But still having to resume cos' that's how it is. Wondering whether you could have done anything to save her. Wondering maybe if you'd been a little less involved in your own work, a little less happy, prayed a little more than what you did, bargained a little more with God to save her, maybe given up on your favorite food or fasted more or something, maybe it would have saved her. Then you blame God. How could he have done something like this to such a wonderful person like her? And why? Why her? Why not anyone else? Why were you given the chance to live while she was not? What set her apart? Rapists and murderers live donkey's years, while people like her live such short life spans. That makes you question the very existence of God. And there's no answer or solution to that either.

In the end you cry, you look at her photo with you and you cry, you reminisce a memory of her and you cry, and when no more tears come out, you sleep, hoping this was all just a bad dream, and you'd wake up and she'd still be there.When you wake up and that's not the case and the tears are on the verge of coming out, you know you can't keep doing this, you know you have to move on, even though it just doesn't feel right. You feel depressed, and when every time your friends try to cheer you up it feels wrong. You wonder if she's in a happy place, if she's in heaven, hoping she is if there's a heaven. You pray that her family gets the strength to deal with the situation. You feel guilty for not being with them. In the end, you wish you could find your happy place too, that she'd still be there and none of this would have happened. And you move on. Or at the least you try to. Because that's just how life is supposed to be.

On my 22nd b'day. One of our happier times together. Miss you Mallika.

Labels - Death of Individualism

It is so hard being a girl in a guy's world. You have no idea what all we have to go through. No am not going to talk about prejudices, gender biasing and feminism or worse - PMS. But what I am going to talk about is 'labeling'. Like being a girl wasn't enough, being labeled a tomboy is even worse! Why do you want to confuse us poor girls?

First and foremost, what constitutes a tomboy anyway? Who decides whether a girl is a tomboy or not? Oh so maybe some girls are adventurous, they like sports, hangout with guys, don't care about their looks, have no fashion sense, are a bit domineering, are generally manner-less, clueless about cleanliness, slightly sloppy, drink chilled beer at parties & crazy about football, so what? Whoever said a girl has to be neat, clean, pretty & decked up all the time, good at gossip, a good cook, a born fashionista, coy & shy, like everything pink, know all the cosmetic brands, a die-hard shopaholic and spend half her time & pocket money at parlors & spas getting expensive manicures and perms? Why can't a girl be a mix of both or neither? Whatever happened to individualism?

Ask any girl and am pretty sure she would say that she doesn't like being labeled a tomboy even if she wears t-shirts and jeans, doesn't do catwalk, likes playing & watching sports, wears sports shoes, sneakers & floaters instead of high (back breaking) heels, speaks her mind, doesn't know the meaning of coy and sits, walks and talks like a boy (in other people's words). The irony is guys feel the most comfortable hanging out with these very same girls and are generally best friends with them rather than with the 'stereotypical girl'. This is because they find them uncomplicated and quite like themselves. "She is easy to be friends with" is what most guys say. This is also what makes them label these girls as 'tomboys'. But when it comes to dating, the general consensus is, "oh her? well, she's more like my buddy. Rather more like myself (read guy), how can I date her?! Am sure she doesn't like guys. We are just best friends." Wow. Really wow.

And woe begone if your tomboy friend turns up dressed in a skirt, wearing makeup, with a fancy hairstyle and generally looking like..well a girl. How dare she?! Firstly, you wouldn't recognize her. When you finally do, you'd be shocked and loose your power of speech. And when you finally regain your speech & find your tongue you would start badgering her with questions like "what happened to you?! What have you done to yourself?! what is that hairstyle?! You in a skirt? Wait, is that makeup on your face? You are looking ridiculous! Go change. I can't be seen like this with you!" How nice. However, if the girl is lucky enough and the guy not blind enough, she'd be appreciated & complimented (See am not labeling you guys). But it is a rare case. Dear guys, and girls who think otherwise, a girl is a girl. Any girl, even if she generally prefers jeans over skirts, a natural look over makeup, shoes over heels, sports over gossip, and simplicity over complexity, she would still want to dress up once in a while and look pretty.

So why not let her be? Is it so hard to see her in a different light once in a while, and maybe just maybe, appreciate her and compliment her? Is it so hard to make her smile, to let her be happy, to let her be a girl without having to be confused about it? Why can't a girl retain her own unique qualities and be labeled an individual rather than say a tomboy, a blonde, dumb, pea brained etc. Am using the same terms that people generally use to stereotype, nothing new about it. Why label her and stereotype her? Why make her loose her confidence & ruin her life? Let her be. Let her be happy in her individuality. Let her be just a 'girl'.

In the shadows

People pass by without a glance. Some see me, and yet they don't see me. Some see through me. Some walk around in their own world. It's as if am not really there. I look at these people and try to guess their stories. That's my favorite pastime. Is she happy or sad? Is he having an affair? Is she thinking about her future child? Are they lovers or friends? Oh what an obnoxious kid, his mother should teach him some manners! Did his girlfriend just ditch him? Poor kid, he's an orphan, must be missing his parents. How did he lose all his money and become a drunkard? Was she abused by her husband?
So many stories. Some happy, some sad. Some that stay with me, while others are meant to be forgotten. Some I want to know more about, while others I wish I'd never seen or thought of. Some that make me smile, while others are so touching they bring tears to my eyes. Some that make me angry enough to want to do something about it and others that are normal enough to not warrant any reaction from me. I remain at my place, unnoticed by people, and I see many things. I have seen lover's tiff, friends quarrel, enemies fight. I have also seen lovers kiss, kids playing, friends laughing together and sharing jokes and happy moments with each other, families enjoying quality time, people saying goodbye, birthday parties and marriages. I have seen people being robbed, and people robbing others. I have seen murders happening, pranks being played and people being kind and helpful to each other. This is what I do. I watch things, I assimilate, I keep quiet about them, I understand, I think and I learn from them. I am the flower on the wall. You know me better as the wallflower.

The Ideal World

Sleep comes very rarely to me nowadays, but when it does, it feels like a retribution; a deliverance. I lie there, breathing heavily, in a state of half sleep; not sleeping, yet not fully awake; still trying to grasp the remnants of my dream, the one that made me happy, but not being able to remember. I lie there turning restlessly, eyes half closed, clinging to the last dregs of sleep, not wanting to wake up, relishing my last few moments of peace. I turn on my sides, with my arms stretched over him, only to meet thin air. That's when am jolted awake, by the heart wrenching physical pain, the mental realization of not having him near me. This realization shatters all dreams. I curl up in a fetal position, wanting to die, or at least go back to sleep. I could do anything to get out of this pain, to not face the day alone, anything to erase the memories, anything to not live this farce of a life. All I want to do is shut myself from everything and go to my happy place, the one where he's with me. But reality beckons, and so I have to wake up and go through the motions. Smile through my pain, to behave as if everything's normal, even though its far from the truth.

The truth is my world has shattered. My ideal world. Even saying it aloud makes me want to laugh in derision. The truth? There is no ideal world. Not for me, not for anyone else. It's just a make believe world that we have been deluding ourselves in to, to hide the fact that there's no such thing as constant happiness, the happily ever after. In an ideal world everyone would be happy. They'd be doing what they want to do, not caring what others think. They would be striving for exaltation, and not just living for the sake of living. But we know how that goes. In an ideal world there would be no crimes, no rapes, people wouldn't die of diseases, there would be no poverty, no wars, no jihad, no terrorism of any kind, no child abuse, no unemployment, no impoverishment. Every child would be educated, every child would have a chance to make something of themselves. Every person would have a chance to make choices and change their choices if they wish to, peer pressure be damned. Every person would find gainful employment and strive to better at it. Every person would find their one true love, their soul-mate, and there would be no divorces. There would be no political motives, no mind games. The ideal world would not be confused with utopia. 

In an ideal world, I'd be with him, and he'd be with me. In an ideal world, he'd be alive. We'd be ruling the world together, doing things we are so good at. All the responsibilities wouldn't just fall on my frail shoulders. We'd be making decisions together. I wouldn't be this lonely. In an ideal world, I'd be happy; we'd be happy. But, there is no ideal world. And so here I am, left to pick up the broken pieces of my life, to live whatever is left of it meaningfully, to try to go through the motions of life with conviction. I have to wake up, I have to live and I have to try and achieve this ideal world that every one talks about, that every one wants, but doesn't exist.

The invasion of the lyric killers!

Watched television recently? Or listened to the radio? If you have then you must now be humming the tune of  'you are my honey Bunny', or 'Chinta ta chita chita'. Whatever the hell it means. You my dear friend are witnessing and probably unknowingly aiding the invasion of the lyric killers. That's what I call them. They are those people, those composers who compose crap, package it in a catchy tune and let it loose on the innocent (or maybe stupid) public. This then starts a mass chain reaction. The innocent or possibly stupid public then decide that this is the best song of the century, sing it everywhere they go and make it difficult to live for the likes of me.

Kareena Kapoor gyrating to 'Fevicol Se'

People like me then have to live with listening to inane songs like 'you are my honey bunny toko toko'  or cheap ones like 'Chipkale saiyaan Fevicol se'. Do you know how hard that is? Wanting to punch someone singing such songs but not being able to? Very difficult. It makes me mad. It makes me want to tear my hair off. Rather tear your hair off. Okay, lets not get violent here. Keeping personal feelings aside, it makes me wonder what this generation has come to. Oh wait, my generation has come to. That's right. Am not some 40 + year old female going through a midlife crisis, blaming the world and the generation after me for everything that's wrong in my life. Nope. Am a young 23 year old female of the current 'hip and happening' generation, who is currently not very proud of her peers. With songs like these, anyone in their right mind wouldn't be.

But seriously, whats wrong with people nowadays? Whatever happened to writing songs that actually have lyrics in them as opposed to songs that just seem to be some random rhyming nonsensical sentences strung together? From songs like Ankho hi Ankho main, Naina Barse Rim Jhim, Yeh shaam mastaani and even recent ones like Dil toh pagal hai, Mohabatein, Suraj hua maddham, Alvida etc sung by the likes of Mohammed Rafi, Kishore Kumar, Lata Mangeshkar, Sonu nigam, Alka Yagnik, Shreya Ghoshal and composed/ written by greats like Lakshmikant Pyaarelal, Javed Akhtar, Jagjit singh, A R Rehman, Kishore Kumar etc to songs like 'Tera Pyar Hukka Bar', 'Sheila ki Jawani', 'Munni Badnaam hui', 'Billo Raani' etc, that's what the world has come to. I believe all these songs were written in a drunken state of stupor. There's no other explanation for it. After a melodious and glorious 80's the 90's brought with it a string of infamously memorable songs like choli ke peeche kya hai, tu tu tu tu tu tara, Nayak nahi Khalnayak hu main etc, and innumerable  other unbearable songs as well, which I am not going to take the pains of listing here. Point being, we thought the 90's was the worst period for Bollywood music, that is till the 2000's came. That's when all hell broke loose.

Katrina Kaif giving her thumkas in Chikni Chameli

 
We have had to live with the rickshawaala's favorite Himmesh Reshmiya's nasal songs, Atif Aslam's depressing songs, Anu Malik's really annoying songs, bad remixes of really good songs featuring Rakhi Sawant, and now Yo Yo Honey Singh glorifying rapes. Truly this generation has lived through it all.  It's like the return of the 90's but 3 times worse. Not just that, not only did all the above mentioned greats become widely popular among the general public, they actually became viral! Viral - Something that becomes popular through the process of Internet sharing, typically through video sharing websites, social media and email. Say's a lot about the current popular culture as a whole, and us in general, doesn't it? And sad to say Hollywood isn't any better in this regard. Justin Beiber, Rebecca Black, Psy, Miley Cyrus, Jonas Brothers, One Direction. Need I say anymore? My Dad always used to complain about 'aaj kal ke gaane' , and I always used to disagree and argue with him. With great regret I have to say that I now completely agree with his views.

It's not that this generation has no taste for music. Yes, songs like Jalebi bai, pritam pyaare, aa ante amlapuram, halkat jawaani have gone viral, but then so have soulful songs like Pani da rang, khoya khoya chaand, kahaani, ekla chalo re, tere siva etc. We have great upcoming singers and composers like Amit Trivedi, Ram Sampath, Rashid ali, Sona Mohapatra, Jonita Gandhi. Yes I know you all like Katrina Kaif 's jhatkas in Chikni Chameli and Kareena Kapoor's thumkas in Halkat Jawaani, and so these songs are not going to stop any time soon. All am saying is lets bring out more songs like Paani Da Rang, Jeelein Zaraa, Saibo, Yaariyaan which not only make sense but also have great music. Here's hoping to a better 2013 with more sensible, melodious and soulful songs. Till then all we can do is wonder 'Why this, why this Kolaveri Di?'
 

 

P.S. As a response to my blog post, I was directed to this video by @teodranik on twitter - The honey bunny parody song. HILARIOUS! Definitely worth a watch.

 

P.P.S. And another response to this blog post by a friend, this time through whatsapp. I was advised to listen to this morning bhajan everyday .. enjoy :p

Comfortably Numb

All it takes is that one drink. Clear chilled liquid passing down your throat, quenching your thirst. That warm hazy feeling afterwards. The bubble you don't want to break. Dream within a dream. Kaleidoscopic moments. Stars in the sky. Fireworks and star bursts. Giggles and laughter. Warm kisses and hot touches. Perpetual goosebumps. Trippy music and peaceful dances. Freedom and flight. Pink floyd Brings you back to life. Everything feels more alive. Every feeling is amplified. Every touch feels more real, yet dreamlike. The thin line between reality and fantasy blurs. You are falling in to a chasm and you are pulled back at the last moment. You are hanging from a cliff for dear life and suddenly you acquire wings. You are drowning, the world is closing around you and you are pulled out of the water. What is real, what is not? A thousand thoughts, always changing. Mad headrushes.

Memories rush by. Some happy, some sad. Others that make you want to kill yourself. Some proud moments, some regrets. Those are the clearest. The regrets. They never leave you, not for one moment. Not when you are sober, not when you are drunk. Like shards of ice. Piercing one moment, disappearing the next. Then the what if's and the what could have been's follow. Wistful feelings. Self introspection. Decisions made and decisions to be made. Confusion and clarity. Chaos and order. Light and darkness. Amidst all these, fleeting moments of happiness. Your first crush, your first kiss. The first time someone said I love you and you said it back. Happy childhood memories with your mom and dad. Morning prayers and good night kisses. Morning breakfasts and family dinners. The first day at school. Your first friend, and many more to come. The first time your dad said that he's proud of you. Your first vacation.  Small achievements and little worries. Little happy memories. You try and hold on to them and they slip away like sand. Letting go isn't an option. You need to feel its real, and not just dreams from the past. Better to live in the moment. Let life take its own shape. Go where it leads you. Take small steps. Live in the happiness, the freedom. Reminisce the good times, till the next drink comes. Pop a coin into the jukebox and let Pink Floyd make you comfortably numb.

Looking back and looking forward.

2012 is done and gone like a bad bout of flu and 2013 is here. So many things have happened in 2012, some good, some bad, some worth remembering, others that need to be forgotten.  Decided to still follow on my MBA dreams and they are still sucking the life out of me. Met with some road blocks while following that dream (still am). Made some new friends and lost them to geographic displacement. Lost some old friends to geographic displacement as well, because they decided to follow their dreams. Lost others because I was careless enough to let them go (working on rectifying this). Gained a new perception. Lived alone for a week, and managed the house without having to do a SOS call to the fire department ( note 1: Yes am 22 and my mom and dad are both scared of letting me live alone, fuck my life). Spent most of my savings on an awesome HP laptop, my first investment (and am still paying mom back in installments for it, 15 grand left :/). Tried new things, tried new drinks, tried new hairstyles. Acquired some habits, both good and bad (people's perception of bad, not mine), gave up some old ones. Enjoyed being everyone's agony aunt and then started hating it (mostly because I couldn't be my own agony aunt and couldn't find anyone else as good as me :p). Best of all went to Goa with my best friends, a first for me (refer note 1 above), loved every moment of it and dying to go back there again (hopefully soon if all goes well). Had a few crushes. Fell in love. Experienced true happiness for a while. Also experienced what true depression feels like. Struggled through it, still am. Gave up blogging for a while altogether and then returned back to it again (courtesy this post).

But mostly I grew a year older (yes I do it every year, though I don't look it). What I mean by that is I matured, I gained some experiences that are definitely going to help me in my future. And yeah I don't like growing old. Not because I am scared of death or something. I just don't. If there was an option whence I could reverse back time I would, and do a few things differently. So yes I have a few regrets. But alas, its only wishful thinking, I can't reverse back time to a happy period in my past or fast forward it to a happy period in my future and pause time forever in that moment. Life doesn't work like that. I can't stay 22 forever, I have to grow old even though I hate it, that's just life. Sad, but true. Anyway, before I digress any further, 2012 was a mixed bag of surprises, but it mostly wasn't great for me (at least career wise) , and it looks like 2013 isn't going to be either, if the last 20 days are anything to go by. But one can always hope. Like every year I decided not to make any new year resolutions this year as well since I never end up abiding them or keeping them. Infact I forget about them the next day itself and I end up trying to remember what resolutions I had made. So this year I decided to do something different. I have decided to put my list of resolutions here, so I don't forget them, I am reminded about them every time I open this page (which believe me is quite often), and also to call them 'guidelines for 2013' rather than resolutions. Now that sounds so much better. Following guidelines rather than adhering to resolutions. Smart, eh?

So here's the list I intend to follow:

1) Worry less. Yeah I am a worrier (not a warrior). A big one. I over think and over react to everything. I am no drama queen, but am close enough. I can spend days worrying about small things and give myself unbearable migraines. Generally the things I worry about end up in nothing. So its a huge waste of energy, not to mention stress. So this year I am going to try and worry less. I said 'try'.

2) Participate more. The other day I watched the movie 'The perks of being a wall flower'. In it Charlie the main character is advised to participate more in life by his professor Bill Anderson. That struck me as something I should do as well. I generally tend to take a casual approach to life, rarely push myself. I am a back seat driver, mostly observing, participating only when I have to.  And I know I can do better, cos I have done so before, during my college project, my college fest. So participate more in life, take stands, make decisions and stand by them, try out new things. And take risks, majorly, stop being a safe player.

3) Go back to being a cold heart-ed bitch. I was one once, and it served me well. Over the last year I have somehow changed, started opening myself up to people more, let my guards down, started trusting people more, forgiving people more, pretending less, being more honest, which I know you guys would think is a good thing, but trust me it isn't. Cos' am only opening myself to injury and heart break. I have been through it before, and I don't want to go through all that again, least of all now. The things I am going through, I recognize, are going to lead me through that well trodden, much disliked path again. To survive in this jungle I need to become my old self again. Stop being an open book. Stop believing that people have good intentions, and start believing that they are mean in general and self centered. Be self sufficient. Rely on others less. Chuck people from my life who are only there when they need me and never there when I need them. In short, live for myself. So yeah, bitch am back.

4) Do things that make me happy. Quit my job for starters (yes I am going to do it). Make an alternate career plan, if  nothing comes out of this. Be less depressed. Be more outgoing.  Rebel for my freedom (if need be, I really hate fighting and confrontations in general). Travel more, read more, watch more movies (from the IMDB top 250 list as usual), more TV series (not hindi ones, puhlease!), discover new places to eat, make new friends that share my interests, with whom I can discover these places. Go to more concerts, stand up shows and plays. Blog more. Like at least 3 times a month (so my this month's quota is done :D). Spend less time on social networking sites. Read economic times and the Hindu everyday, study everyday (not that it makes me happy, but it is essential for my survival). Take up quizzing for a hobby. Take guitar lessons, or salsa lessons, or start swimming, or do all the three (I have high ambitions). Save more money by shopping less (yeah even though it makes me happy, I really need to do this, darn). Have more conviction in myself and my dreams. Start believing that I can do it, even if it takes a hell lot of time. And most of all, not take people that are closest to me for granted. Especially not for any one person. Make sure, my support system stays strong.

5) Last but not the least, gain weight! Yeah its high time now. Being slim is so passé. I want to have those chubby cheeks again, so that ponds will take me for their googly woogly woksh advert. Just kidding. But yeah, gain weight I must. I will succeed one day! There will be more meat on by bones. Sigh, I can always dream.

Well, I can list more of these never ending guidelines, but like I said they are never ending, me being a flawed person. And this much is enough for one year, I'll chart out the rest in 2014 ;-) Here's hoping 2013 will be better for me than 2012 was, that I meet success in my endeavors, in my career, in my love life, in my friendships, in my family relationships, in everything. Here's hoping that I will follow these guidelines. Here's hoping that I'll get rich and gain weight (two most impossible tasks). And here's hoping you all will too (gain weight as well :p) . Cheers!

That feeling.

Ever felt like running away? Just being covert, packing a bag, getting in to a cab and taking off? Not knowing where, but wanting to give in to that feeling of escaping everything, the mundane realities, the insane stress, the life sucking problems, the fake well wishers, the selfish do-gooders and most of all the people you love, and who truly love you. Not caring about anything, anyone, not even yourself, just stopping your thoughts, pausing your feelings, and walking off from everything. No notes, no phone calls, nothing. You'd have a chance to start somewhere afresh. No one knows you, so you can be anyone. No one knows your past, so no one is going to judge you. No one loves you, so there will be no expectations, no feeling of being suffocated, of being pushed in to becoming someone you are clearly not, and don't want to be either. No restrictions, your life in your hands, and finally, you'd truly have the chance to make something of it by yourself, without any interference. Once in a while you can send postcards to the people you love, so they'll know that you are alive and well. How wonderful would that be? If only it were so easy.

They make it seem so easy in the movies. People just pack their bags and take off without a backward glance. A few tears rolling down their face, flashback memories from the past, and bam! They are in a plane, off to a new life where they go on to change their destiny and become billionaires, find true love etc. Oh how very dramatic! As if saying good bye was that easy. As if 23 years of memories would just disappear, the bad ones, sad ones and happy ones. As if you can ever forget everything, stop worrying about the people you love, only care about yourself and just move on. Live like a hippie, or climb the corporate ladder, visit remote scenic destinations or become a Buddhist disciple and live an austere life, go sky diving or skinny dipping, go to the Himalayas and scream your lungs out or go to the Antarctic and live under the aurora borealis. Yeah how wonderful, and how very unrealistic. No it's not that easy. If it was you'd be doing it. I'd be doing it, instead of writing about it and trying to suppress this feeling of wanting to run away, in to the wild, in to the unknown. Lets face it, we are too scared. We hate change and like to be grounded. We want everything handed to us on a plate. We know everything is not like in the movies, life isn't hunky dory. After we get on a plane there would be a whole new life to plan for, a whole new setting to worry about, and maybe worse hardships will follow. We do not like this uncertainty, and we are scared of failing again, and this time with no loved ones to support us, no friends who have our backs. So no, running away is not for us. Good bye is never easy.